in praise of fucking up

I love when people make mistakes. I love it when they get that "oh shit!" wide-eyed look on their face. I love it when they panic and say "Sorry!" more times per minute than seems possible. I love it when they grab too many paper towels to mop up the spill. I love it when they publicly admit, "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking." I love it when they reflect on the damage they've done and acknowledge no one owes them a second chance. I love it when they take steps to make sure it never happens again. I love it when they take steps to provide restitution (which may not be possible, but at least they try).

I've seen two instances recently of famous people who were vilified for fucking up publicly --I don't know the people involved, but I have seen the reaction to them. I also know why they were vilified, and I am very sympathetic to the people who vilified them. At some point, though, we need to figure out how to mete out reactions to people making mistakes on a continuum based on factors like intent, patterns of behavior, and signs of growth.

Henry Cavill said something about being afraid to date because of the current climate relating to sexual harassment and sexual assault and that he was afraid he would be thought to be or possibly accused of doing something that was not his intent.*

James Gunn made a series of tweets --that's Twitterspeak, meaning "tweets" --that used pedophilia as a punchline.**

I take both sexual harassment/assault and pedophilia seriously, having been around both more than is comfortable to deal with (incidentally, the number of instances where it becomes deeply uncomfortable is one, with zero instances being preferable and necessary).

What is the proper way to address someone who fucks up, like they did?

It depends, but in both of those instances, there were signs that the heavy hammer of shame and retribution might not be it. The two examples arose from different circumstances --one was ignorance and fear, the other was ignorance and indifference. In both instances, they acknowledged making mistakes. In neither instance is there any indication they have actually harassed or assaulted anyone. In the case of James Gunn, there are signs that he tried to do something different once he understood what he did was wrong and it was not motivated by damage control. I'm not privy to the dating habits of Henry Cavill, but after the lambasting he got, I'd think he probably ended up somewhat wiser, too.

We want a world where people can grow, and growth means mistakes. We want light thrown on people's mistakes. We want discussion. We want reflection. And we want the people making the mistakes to feel like they can participate in the discussion and feel like they have a way to try again and try better, or they hide. We do not want mistakes hidden, because the only thing that grows in darkness is mold. Things fester there. That is the climate that created the ethos of the current President of the United States, and we do not want a society like that, believe me. That is a society that learns nothing and stagnates and rots.

So fuck up, then own up, then grow up.

Growth is hard, but damned if it's not necessary. I love it.

*Henry Cavill: Your takeaway is don't be afraid. Women are human beings --treat them that way, and you're fine. If you want to know something, ask. If the answer is not an enthusiastic "yes!", back off quickly. We don't owe you anything, and you'll live to try another day. 

**James Gunn: Your takeaway is that pedophilia is never ever EVER funny. Ever. People who advocate pedophilia are not funny either and should also not be treated as punchlines because it diminishes the seriousness of how badly they fuck up lives.    

modern fairy tales

Yes, I've been on Twitter again --that is a constant. The tone has changed there, though. There's a lot of anger, it seems, and daily, we are inundated with proof that the ruling classes of more than one nation in this world are fundamentally unwise.

But if you look for it, there are glimmers that good things are happening, too. When we are confronted with very clear evidence of the inhumane end results of policies that were taken for granted as 'the way things are' several years ago, an interesting phenomenon occurs: people are deciding to look more actively into alternatives. Even better than that, people are finding places in their lives to build in more empathy, more kindness. There are small examples everywhere of people choosing their communities over their own selfish interests (note: when I talk about community over individual, I am talking about being thoughtful, not self-immolation --we need people to be themselves, too!).

Here's a recent news story from the Seattle Times about the owner of the Pike Place Fish Market selling his business to his employees. He could have made a lot more off of the sale, but he thought it was more important to show some loyalty to the people who made the business what it is and to give them an opportunity at the same time.

Here's a story about giving a 13-year old help in getting the proper permits to run a hot dog stand instead of shutting it down from Teen Vogue.

Lest we forget (you know --since some people never gave it the attention it deserved), there's the story of James Shaw, Jr..  

These types of stories are all over the place. Some of them have some parts where humans have forgotten their empathy (as in Mr. Shaw's story), but what people have been inspired to do matters. The darkness is there, but so is the hope.

Sometimes, we have to be our own heroes. We need to notice villainy when we see it in ourselves and others, but that doesn't need to be where we stop in our stories. Notice the heroes. Notice those chances where we can (and do!) do the right thing. That is how we will reach "happily ever after".