great expectations

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: things are not always how they appear.

One of the things the human brain does is notice patterns. It's how we think more and more efficiently. When we do this, we require fewer cognitive resources to process our world. Synapses get pruned. Automaticity increases. Our information superhighway starts rolling along at 75 miles per hour.

What happens when the pattern we have decided upon is mistaken or wrong? In a word: cognitive chaos. Yes, I know that's two words. I'm advocating for cognitive flexibility --think of saying "a word" and then giving you two as limbering up. 

Try this experiment we do with kids to teach them about expectations: 

• Without any witnesses, get a box of something awesome --chocolates, candy, whatever you want.
• Take the awesome stuff out. You can eat it all yourself if you want to be like that, but I would set it aside to hand out later so you don't get shivved.
• Replace it with something boring or decidedly not awesome --cockroaches, bills, whatever you want.
• Then find a person who hasn't observed you doing this replacement and hand the box to them.

Yes, it's the old can of nuts-springy snake trick, but at this point, people expect the snake, so you have to get creative to be effective.

Do you think the person you hand the box to will expect a treat or a trick? You have given them a box that promises something they like and then reneged on this promise. (Incidentally, this works in reverse as well, if you put something they like in a box of something they dislike, only they'll avoid it rather than open it up.)

Things don't always go as planned. Remember to keep those great expectations flexible while you're roaring along. Confront your own prejudices. Reconsider your assumptions. And have a great day --I haven't put anything unpleasant in that box. 

in praise of fucking up

I love when people make mistakes. I love it when they get that "oh shit!" wide-eyed look on their face. I love it when they panic and say "Sorry!" more times per minute than seems possible. I love it when they grab too many paper towels to mop up the spill. I love it when they publicly admit, "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking." I love it when they reflect on the damage they've done and acknowledge no one owes them a second chance. I love it when they take steps to make sure it never happens again. I love it when they take steps to provide restitution (which may not be possible, but at least they try).

I've seen two instances recently of famous people who were vilified for fucking up publicly --I don't know the people involved, but I have seen the reaction to them. I also know why they were vilified, and I am very sympathetic to the people who vilified them. At some point, though, we need to figure out how to mete out reactions to people making mistakes on a continuum based on factors like intent, patterns of behavior, and signs of growth.

Henry Cavill said something about being afraid to date because of the current climate relating to sexual harassment and sexual assault and that he was afraid he would be thought to be or possibly accused of doing something that was not his intent.*

James Gunn made a series of tweets --that's Twitterspeak, meaning "tweets" --that used pedophilia as a punchline.**

I take both sexual harassment/assault and pedophilia seriously, having been around both more than is comfortable to deal with (incidentally, the number of instances where it becomes deeply uncomfortable is one, with zero instances being preferable and necessary).

What is the proper way to address someone who fucks up, like they did?

It depends, but in both of those instances, there were signs that the heavy hammer of shame and retribution might not be it. The two examples arose from different circumstances --one was ignorance and fear, the other was ignorance and indifference. In both instances, they acknowledged making mistakes. In neither instance is there any indication they have actually harassed or assaulted anyone. In the case of James Gunn, there are signs that he tried to do something different once he understood what he did was wrong and it was not motivated by damage control. I'm not privy to the dating habits of Henry Cavill, but after the lambasting he got, I'd think he probably ended up somewhat wiser, too.

We want a world where people can grow, and growth means mistakes. We want light thrown on people's mistakes. We want discussion. We want reflection. And we want the people making the mistakes to feel like they can participate in the discussion and feel like they have a way to try again and try better, or they hide. We do not want mistakes hidden, because the only thing that grows in darkness is mold. Things fester there. That is the climate that created the ethos of the current President of the United States, and we do not want a society like that, believe me. That is a society that learns nothing and stagnates and rots.

So fuck up, then own up, then grow up.

Growth is hard, but damned if it's not necessary. I love it.

*Henry Cavill: Your takeaway is don't be afraid. Women are human beings --treat them that way, and you're fine. If you want to know something, ask. If the answer is not an enthusiastic "yes!", back off quickly. We don't owe you anything, and you'll live to try another day. 

**James Gunn: Your takeaway is that pedophilia is never ever EVER funny. Ever. People who advocate pedophilia are not funny either and should also not be treated as punchlines because it diminishes the seriousness of how badly they fuck up lives.